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I don’t remember my last session in person. But I do have distinct memories of the office itself: the stack of magazines (if my therapist is reading this, I admit I considered stealing The New Yorker every week), the evaded glances in the Christmas Shirt Buffalo Plaid Merry Christmas Sweatshirt room, the air purifier in the corner, lazily exhaling a yogic blend of eucalyptus and patchouli, the pleasant neutrality of it all. And it’s that neutrality that worries me: Because it might mean I’ll never return. And if I don’t, what other reasons to leave my home, to enter into the outside world, will I lose when this is all “over”?I’m a lifelong insomniac. Until college, I preferred any bed that didn’t leave me alone in my own, a tendency my parents long suspected therapy could solve. I’ve since spent close to a decade chasing sleep and experimenting with methods that span the therapeutic spectrum, from seeing my mother’s own behavioral therapist, a warm woman (but an obvious mistake), to a short stint with a Jungian therapist on the Upper East Side whose rotating screensaver of Galápagos wildlife I would watch, reclined on her tufted-leather couch; to a few sessions with a male psychiatrist who I associate with Paul Auster novels and a low-level depression that I thought Zoloft could solve. (Couldn’t!)
Debuting after comedy’s teen explosion of the Christmas Shirt Buffalo Plaid Merry Christmas Sweatshirt and by the same token and 1980s, which saw the rise of John Hughes films and series like Square Pegs, Saved by the Bell filled a void for kids who’d outgrown cartoons but weren’t quite ready for adult programming. While many of its characters represented familiar tropes—sweetheart cheerleaders, class clowns, and jocks among them—Berkley Lauren’s Jessie Spano was a fresh archetype. Depicted as intelligent, opinionated, and beautiful, she advocated for social justice causes and volunteered while prepping for a Stanford degree. We’re now used to seeing young women depicted as well-rounded and ambitious, but circa 1989, the options were limited. For the show’s audience and its star, Spano felt new. “You had a 15-year-old girl using her voice as an activist, feminist, and someone who advocates for others,” says Berkley Lauren. “That wasn’t something you’d see on television at that time. She was fearless, and I think in our culture, many young women are taught to apologize for speaking up and using their voices. My mother and the women who were around me growing up were forces; they instilled that confidence in me, so I was always proud to have played a character like Jessie.”
